a tale OF medical bullshit & a Cute outfit

a tale OF medical bullshit & a Cute outfit

So I hurt my back really badly. Not sure how, or why, or what the actual root cause of my back being so easily injured is, but I’ve been in excruciating pain and bed bound, other than to use the bathroom (with help),  for 2.5 days now

I’m thinking about how grateful I am that the NP I saw this morning about it was so nice. She could tell I was in pain despite being able to mostly mask over it. She validated me, and none of my fears that I had came true. She didn’t bring up my weight, she didn’t blame it on “just fibromyalgia”, she even spoke about a referral to a spine specialist if it continues to not improve, gets worse, or happens again. 


While on one hand I’m incredibly grateful and happy the appointment went so well, it still comes with a stinging realization that medical practitioners doing their jobs, and doing them well, is such a  rare occurrence. It almost feels like, as a chronically ill person, I’m chasing a carrot tied to a string, hanging on a stick attached to my head. Never able to really get to it, maybe the occasional bite, but it always eludes me. Good doctors/medical professionals seem few and far between. 

In all honesty, if someone who doesn’t experience chronic pain felt what I did this morning, yesterday, the day before? They’d have been rushed to the ER and had tests and imaging and gotten some sort of gold star for “withstood the most pain” 🌟 For me? Just another day on the full time job of being dynamically disabled. 

The main reason I didn’t go to the ER was because of this fear of seeing a new doctor. Seeing a new doctor is scary, seeing a new doctor while in distress is worse, and seeing a new doctor while in distress and vulnerable is the trifecta of bad ideas. Not to mention there’s a little factor called weight bias, as well as the “attention seeker” label of someone with as many chronic illness as I, that seem to make me an easy target to throw on a stretcher, leave in the hallway of the ER for hours, and forget about aside from the occasional pain medication dose (as is what happened last time I ventured there).

While it was a new provider I saw, I felt somewhat safer knowing she works with my primary care. I was still super anxious and dreaded going, but I’m glad I did. I have pain meds and muscle relaxers. I got a shot of Toradol in my ass, which they warned would hurt going in, but I was honest to God in so much pain I didn’t feel a thing. This NP listened to me, spoke with me, did an actual examination, which is so much more than I could have even hoped for at this point in my medical journey. 

Am I happy and grateful? Yes, very much so. Was it the bare minimum I *should* expect from a practitioner? Yes, probably. Is the bar set somehow much, much lower? 100%. 

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